Social distancing shouldn't mean social isolation

I’m going to be completely honest. I’m worried. But not about the virus. I’ll recover. My son, my husband, my sister, her family — we’ll all recover. My parents, who are both hovering around 70 years old, will likely recover. 

My concern is for those who are forced into social distancing without an existing support network. And, the mixed messages about social distancing and social isolation. 

Like many of you, I have read so many headlines, posts, and memes using the terms interchangeably. This is a big problem. Social distancing is a popular term we have adopted to remind ourselves to leave physical space (6 feet is the recommendation) between each other in an attempt to limit viral spread. 

Social isolation existed long before COVID-19 and refers to the absence of social contact that can lead to loneliness. While social distancing promotes physical health and wellbeing in a pandemic, social isolation reduces the connection, social capital, and feelings of purpose so important to our mental health. 

Over time, the most extreme cases of social isolation lead to what researchers Anne Case and Angus Deaton call “deaths of despair.” These deaths result from drug and alcohol abuse and suicide — and were on the rise before this pandemic began, especially among older adults (and, in particular, older men). Now, under the current circumstances, those who were already experiencing isolation may experience even more personal hardship.

Weeks or months of social distancing — if that’s what we are actually talking about — is too long. 

The decision to commit suicide takes a moment. 
Even less if someone has already considered it. 
And then, even less if someone has access to lethal force. 

Like I said, I’m worried.

I’m not advocating that we open public spaces quite yet. For obvious reasons, we should keep our distance. I am advocating that we identify accessible resources and use them in new and innovative ways that foster meaningful interactions. 

I know this is tough. We are focused on something that none of us have immunity to, and none of us is ready for. And although we now believe that the majority of us can fight it off, we all have loved ones we are concerned for. But, we also have an opportunity to finally talk with each other about real stuff that keeps us going each and every day. 

“Part of my job as a gerontologist is to find creative ways to engage people through intergenerational connectedness. I also advocate for those who are disadvantaged or perceive themselves to be disadvantaged — and, when discussing social isolation, perception is even stronger than the reality. ”

Here are a few things I have thought of to bridge the physical distance through meaningful connection:

Don’t put down that device quite yet.  

Our social media platforms are not just for promoting our political beliefs, sharing the crazy dog video, or engaging in the Chick-fil-A vs. Popeyes debate. (Editor’s note: We are team CFA when it comes to chicken sandwiches.). And yes, older adults can and do use social media. Include them in your group chats, video calls, and streamed yoga hangouts. My parents FaceTime us every day, and we check-in by phone. They are also a valuable support to me — a full-time mom with a full-time job feeling all sorts of socially distant.

Teach compassion.

Kindness and compassion are life skills. If your family is healthy, put your kids to work making art or writing notes that express kindness, connection, and, if you feel it appropriate, love. Call around to local nursing homes (but note that many are not allowing visitors) and see if it’s possible for you to drop a basket of notes, pictures, or handmade crafts by one of the locations. If they prefer not to accept outside mail, perhaps your family can create something that can be emailed. Share your creations with the folks at the grocery store, fire station, or medical facility. Maybe even decorate the neighbor’s mailbox to give them a boost!

Don’t underestimate simple actions.

The gym was part of my sister’s daily routine and each day she said hi to an older man who she shared equipment with. While getting her steps in, she thought, “I need to tell this person I care for them.” When she got off the treadmill, she simply went up to her gym friend and gave him a piece of paper with her contact information. Days later he called her just to check in and they chatted about their new routines without the gym. She plans to talk with him regularly. 

Take care of yourself.

During this time of social distancing, please, please don’t isolate yourself from others. Honor your feelings. Allow others to help you when and where you need it. Perception is strong. If you are feeling bad, sad, or overwhelmed — call, text, post. Right now, we have time to listen and offer compassion to each other while we find our way through this collective trauma.

If you are or someone you love is contemplating suicide, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached by phone or chat at 800-273-8255. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

Please note, we are not mental health professionals and this article is strictly informational and not health advice.