Fostering love in same-sex families
Recently, I was introduced to Christopher. He and his husband, Heroildo, live in Atlanta with their children. But, before they became parents, they looked around to see what they could expect as gay parents in the South.
“We found that a lack of existing support groups and frequent turnover of caseworkers led to a lack of shared information. So, we created our own community to help everyone,” explains Chris. Slowly they pieced together information and found fostering to be a meaningful option for their family.
While some people are born into their forever family, others need time to find their family and the relationships that lead to a deeper connection. I’ve built my career on understanding these delicate relationships that form between family members and the meaning of those relationships. So, with their permission, I am sharing their stories.
Some background
Gay and lesbian couples hoping to foster or adopt face unique challenges and often deep-seated biases against them from individuals and agencies. This continues in spite of private and government organizations making strides to ensure that adoption policies are fair. To be clear, adoption for same-sex couples is legal in all 50 states. However, adoption and fostering laws vary by state (or by county or city) — this is especially true when it comes to joint adoption, when two parents adopt a child together. So, it's essential to learn more about the policies for same-sex adoption in your area.
Chris & Heroildo
Unfortunately, Chris and Heroildo have experienced discrimination throughout their journey and were denied custody solely based on their sexual orientation. While these are painful experiences, Chris does want others to know that adoption and fostering are possible.
The couple has met allies willing to help along the way, and in turn, they have become allies. They began documenting their process and compiled resources on adoptga.org.
“Instances of discrimination have increased since our first adoption in 2016. Most discrimination we experienced came from the county and regional offices, so we suggest getting help from state DFCS,” says Chris. Their website offers support, resources, and networking so other LGBTQ couples know what to do at every stage of adoption. And, in the event of discrimination, know how to handle it in a constructive way that supports the family and the child.
Andrew & Xavier
My cousins, Andrew and Xavier, live in New York. When they got married in 2011, they knew that having a family was something they wanted. They explored several options and ultimately decided on surrogacy. Surrogacy can be a lengthy and expensive process — one that’s not covered by most medical plans since reproductive laws and benefits that are often offered to straight couples do not apply to same-sex prospective parents. It can be further complicated by laws that vary state to state.
New York state did not allow surrogate contracts when their daughter was born, so Andrew and Xavier went to the west coast to meet her and fulfill their dreams of being parents.
Their experience was the foundation for their advocacy, and they became actively engaged in organizations supporting and most recently publicly supported the Child-Parent Security Act of 2020, adopted in April 2020. Andrew, Xavier, and their daughter, Olivia, were invited to hear Governor Cuomo speak on the issue during a press conference last year. They shared their story — all the trials and triumphs — to help make it easier for others to provide a loving and safe home.
“But we want others to know that while circumstances are improving, the fight is not over,” explains Andrew.
What family means to me
For me, family is a happy memory — an anticipated gathering, a safety net when the world has gone to hell in a handbasket (like all of 2020). Although I was raised in a “traditional” nuclear family (mom, dad, sibling), I resist the notion that families are in any way traditional. Rather, I think of family as individuals who mutually choose to love and accept each other-- inside and out, backward, forward, and every way in between. And, we should be permitted to decide who we call family. Because once chosen, family is always.
Kyle lives in Athens, GA with her spouse and four-year-old son. In 2019 she became a board member for Athens Pride. In her spare time, she coaches her son’s soccer team and she and in the fall she and her family spend Saturdays cheering on the Georgia Bulldawgs! Although her schedule keeps her busy, Kyle is an introvert at heart and loves time spent with a warm blanket, a good book, and a pot of tea (...and something sweet).