OK, boomers are bonking

In the United States, the Sexual Revolution began in the 1960s when many Baby Boomers (born 1946-1964) were approaching their sexual prime. This made for spectacular stories of free love, sexual exploration, and redefining gender roles. 

Those Age of Aquarius kids (your parents or grandparents) are now entering into their 60s and 70s and are up against some fairly major ageist asexual stereotypes. 

For some reason when people attain a certain age, their sex, intimacy, and desire become forgotten or avoided topics — or mentioned with disgust — by their family. But their peers know the gettin’ some is still good. 

Older people still want (and have) sex

Tons of myths exist about older adulthood and sex. In short, you (or your parents) might age into wanting to have more, less, or exactly the same amount of sex as the year tick by. Scholars who study aging have worked their entire careers to debunk these myths and address the stereotypes. But, they continue to live on! I believe it has to do with the fact that many of us really don’t know how to face the fact that people (or your parents) remain sexual beings into older adulthood. 

People of every age deserve to have access to safe spaces to have conversations about their desires, the sexual activity, their vulnerabilities, and the quality of their lives. Here’s part of why: according to aetnahealth’s study, diagnosis rates for adults over age 60 rose 23% between 2014 and 2017 for STIs like herpes simplex, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis, and chlamydia. Maybe we need sex ed for our parents?

Even though there’s plenty of evidence that supports the positive effects sexual interaction has on mental and physical health, as a society we do not do enough to promote the sexual wellbeing of older adults. 

As soon as body parts begin to sag and gaits turn into a shuffle, we discard older bodies as asexual or even unattractive. But our bodies still yearn to be touched. Sometimes that means a loving embrace, a massage, or a gentle kiss good night… or a hot bonk now and then. Chronological age need not be a determining factor. 

Know thy self

“Sex is natural, and if it feels good for everyone involved: do it. ”

I think being a strong advocate for others begins with understanding ourselves first. For instance, do you use the words sex and intimacy interchangeably or do they have separate meanings to you? Does sex for you have to involve male-female penetration, oral, masturbation — or a combination? 

Once you have identified your own feelings and beliefs, you can better relate to others. Understanding that sexuality is a personal matter that has a lot of variation and fluctuates based on sexual orientation, gender identity, age, race, and religion (just to name a few) is an important step in realizing sexuality is lifelong. 

Then you can begin to stretch your edges. This doesn’t mean that you need to talk with your grandma about getting her a vibrator. Although, if that feels comfortable for both of you, go for it. She’s a woman, and she deserves pleasure. Understanding adult sexuality doesn’t have an expiration date can also mean simply acknowledging that there are different ways people express their sexuality that are unlike your own. And, that’s ok too.

Nobody wants to feel discarded or as though their feelings and desires no longer matter. As we age there is a vulnerability in sharing those feelings because the pressure for older adults to put their sexual life in the past seems like almost a requirement. How would you feel if someday someone started telling you that you can’t go on a date, you are not allowed the privacy to masturbate in your own room, or that you and your partner can’t share the same bed? 

Chances are, you want to make these choices for yourself now — and into the foreseeable future. If you don’t want these restrictions in your future, then don’t make them the reality for the older adults in your life now. 

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander

Yes, it’s true that sex becomes more difficult as we age. Hormones change, vaginas dry, erections soften, desires change, flexibility diminishes, and arthritis sets in. Although this may limit some activities, it does not mean intercourse or sexual expression has to stop. The participants just have to get creative adaptations to accommodate age-related changes. 

I bet some of you may already be experiencing changes in your body right now. Things aren’t exactly how they used to be for you and your partner. Sex may have changed over the years for a variety of reasons — but we adapt because we are sexual beings. Or not. 

But I’ll also bet you don’t think, “whelp, at 57 and 3 months old I will become celibate. Sex is for everyone younger than 57 and 2 months.” Assuming limitations or assigning asexuality based on age alone isn’t being practical or protective. It’s discriminatory.

I’m not necessarily advocating that we all become Dr. Ruth for our mom. I saying that human decency requires that we help our elders fulfill the very natural feeling of being wanted, loved, and intimately connected throughout their lives. Because someday soon, it’ll be us.