Marriage: Even sweeter the second time around

I was 38 or 39 when my first marriage ended. I met my ex-husband when I was 21, so we were together for a long time. Letting go was hard despite our issues. After all, no one wants their marriage to fail. 

The end of that marriage had been a long time coming before the words were ever said. We tried counseling, separately and together. After we realized we couldn’t save what we had left, I spent as much time alone as I did with new friends. I drank too much. I stayed up too late. I ate too little. 

I tried dating. The few dates I went on were nice. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, nor was I looking for flings or one-night stands. A couple I know kept mentioning one of their friends to me. I blew them off for months. Finally, I caved and allowed them to share my phone number with him. 

I vividly remember the moment my life changed. My phone rang while I was watching a movie on Sunday with my dog, crashed out on the sofa. Not recognizing the number, I ignored it. He left a voice mail and a text. When I returned his call a few hours later we talked for three hours. The next night two hours more. The following day, a Tuesday, he texted during the workday and asked if I wanted to go for a walk after work. We met and walked and talked for two hours. And for the next two weeks, that’s how it went: talking on the phone for hours every night, leading up to our first date at the end of those two weeks. After that, we were inseparable. 

By the time we had our first dinner date, I felt I knew this man in ways I had never known my ex-husband. We had talked about everything. We were vulnerable with each other, which created a deep level of trust. So, while the timing was so soon, it felt right. Scary, but right. Five years later we were married, and we’ve now been together for seven years.

Finding someone new after having grown up with someone else was just about as frightening and brave as signing those divorce papers was. We were both fearful. What if it didn’t work, especially after he had introduced me to his children and now their feelings and well-being were just as wrapped up in the relationship as ours? What if my family wouldn’t accept him? What if we realized we weren’t compatible after all and ended up hurting each other? We talked through every conceivable what if and always arrived at the same conclusion: we were willing to accept the risk.

What I can say about starting a new relationship after having been in a long marriage or relationship is that we both learned from our mistakes and we try not to repeat any unhealthy patterns or behaviors. If you’re in my shoes — or think you might soon be — here are some things I suggest for building a strong second (or first) marriage:

Respect and appreciate one another.

I placed a lot of blame on my ex-husband for our failed marriage, but with time and distance, I understand I wasn’t completely blameless. This time around, I step back and look at all the good in my husband, and I show him respect. He does the same for me. We say thank you a lot. “Thanks for cooking dinner.” “Thanks for doing the dishes.” While saying thank you is a small gesture, it shows we appreciate one another and serves as a constant reminder that someone else is doing something kind for you. So, you find yourself wanting to reciprocate. It’s hard to take each other for granted when you’re constantly acknowledging how much you do for each other.

Spend time together.

My ex-husband spent a lot of time with his friends, and together we spent a lot of time with my family. He also worked evenings, so I spent many weeknights eating dinner alone. Near the end, I spent more time with friends than I ever had before. While we traveled often and partied hard, we spent enough time apart or with groups that it didn’t always feel like we were operating as one cohesive team. It often felt off-balance — as if there was a lot of attention focused on self, rather than the marriage unit.

Put down your phones.

We live in a Me! Me! Me! society. It’s easy to get caught up looking at our phones or drowning in TV. In fact, in my previous marriage, my husband watched TV in the man cave, and I watched TV in our den. That contributed to the cycle of us spending more time apart than together. My husband and I do almost everything together. And while I admit I have some work to do, we each try to not get caught up in spending hours with our noses in our phones. 

Parent and co-parent together.

I don’t have biological children of my own. My clock never ticked, and I’m not sure I’ll ever know why — although I have ideas. My ex-husband and I traveled a lot and for a long time we put off starting a family because we were having fun. I also worried about passing along IBD to a child and that is something I did not want to do. And lastly, while I knew with all my heart that my ex-husband would be a great dad, I also feared I would be alone a lot. Now, I have two stepchildren ages 12 and 26. My husband and his ex-wife co-parent well together. I hope she knows I love her children and that I do my best by them. And I am very aware that every big decision I make impacts not only my marriage but my stepchildren as well. 

Discuss issues immediately.

My husband is much better at apologizing than I am, but I do try to acknowledge when I am wrong. When we have a disagreement, we aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and talk it out. We are dedicated to an ongoing process to know each other, grow together, and fix issues before they become too big. We are a team in every sense of the word.

Practice forgiveness.

Relationships are filled with peaks and valleys, and they take work. No one is perfect. I know I have flaws, and I accept my husband as he is. 

What I have learned from marriage one to marriage two is that building a culture of respect, communication and acceptance is vital to making a happy home. And we have lived happily ever after.