Questions for a sex therapist: open marriages and co-sleeping

A friend of mine is contemplating an open marriage. Do those typically work out, in your experience?

I’ve definitely seen them work out. That said, they’re difficult, so when people open their relationship to “fix” an ailing marriage, they rarely work that way. Why? Because if I am thinking of opening my relationship to manage a relationship that is struggling, it does not really change what I am struggling with in my relationship. In fact, there is more to deal with (see also: having a baby to fix your marriage). If you are thinking of opening your marriage, or if you’re curious about polyamory, reading the third edition of The Ethical Slut, which is a really thorough, thoughtful overview of managing relationships and what to consider if one is considering ethical non-monogamy. In terms of thinking through logistics, I really like the contracts in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. If folks can’t read through these with their partner and talk through the plan, they’re definitely not ready for an open relationship. 

 I’m not sure that polyamory is by its nature more difficult. However, we’re in a dominant culture set up for monogamy, so making a different plan is more stressful than it might otherwise be. What if you’re in a culture that is more accepting of non-monogamy though? A monogamish gay culture for instance? In that case, non-monogamy is probably less stressful and more accessible overall.

So in short: open relationships can work. Queer folx have know that for a long time. Whether they are a good option for your friend depends on a lot of factors particular to them. If you’re in a very solid relationship with open communication, as well as set up with a moral orientation that is compatible with that type of sexual freedom, maybe an open relationship would be great—learn more about pitfalls and make a plan that would be likely to work for you. If not, your friend would do better to start with couple counseling and stabilizing their monogamous relationship, if that is the goal.

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If you're raising your kids as co-sleepers, how do you find time for sex when you don't sleep alone together? How do you maintain your relationship with a 3-year-old sleeping between you?

One answer: you don’t have sex like you used to. And you ignore the links on your computer that try to plant seeds of dissent: are you in a sexless marriage? In my experience, sex ebbs and flows through a relationship — the idea that there is an amount that is “the right amount” for any couple is frustratingly oversimplified. Some happy couples have periods of significantly less sex, including when kids are small. Knowing if that is okay requires the couple exploring their needs together.

Another answer: what counts as sex? Can you increase sexual and intimate contact that fits your needs during the time you are together, whether it’s making out on the couch or dancing to a song in the kitchen or taking a walk holding hands? Maybe part of what feels like it’s missing could be intimacy broadly defined, rather than or in addition to intercourse or whatever constitutes sex for you.

A third answer: you as a couple decide you want intercourse or some kind of orgasmic sexual contact, and you schedule it in, either by hiring child care and having date nights if you have the means, or putting the kid(s) to bed early some nights, meeting up somewhere other than your bedroom, hopefully still with a door that locks. One of the interviewees for my dissertation grew up with her parents locking themselves in the bedroom for private time for a couple of hours every Sunday, saying they were playing together, and she ended up thinking of sex as a really sweet fun thing her parents did together. That wouldn’t be a fit for everyone, but it worked for them. Can you make time early in the morning? Come home early from work some days? Get a hotel room and let the kids stay with family for a night? If it really matters, then it’s worth making time for.

 A final thought: many of my suggestions include some privilege that not everyone has. Parents in the United States are not supported by policies in the way they are in many other countries. We don’t subsidize childcare or even family leave. Many states block unions, which means that people’s collective bargaining power for fair pay is reduced. Social activism is sexy, and creating supportive structures for parents likely will help them to be less stressed out and more erotically energetic. It can also be important for parents to challenge stigma by raising awareness of how common feeling overwhelmed by how to parent well and take care of yourselves in a partnership can be.

The amount of sex and the definition of sex are something decided between partners, as a sexual team. You win together or you lose together—ignoring someone’s needs or badgering someone into complying is not a winning strategy. Check in with each other about how things are and what options are available. See if a workable compromise can be found to meet everyone’s needs. If you are having a lot of troubleshooting as a team, invite a couple or sex therapist in to support the conversation. 

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We'd like to experiment by adding some toys to our sex life but feel a little overwhelmed. Where do we start? Is there a beginner's sex toy? 

A beginner’s sex toy is a regular vibrator made out of silicone — rather than hard plastic. It could be an insertable vibrator or even a vibrator that one puts on their finger. If the sex involves a person with a vulva, the vibrator would be used to stimulate the clitoris during sexual activities like oral sex or penetration, or potentially used to penetrate your partner. Playing sensitively with a vibrator can greatly improve the likelihood that a person with a vulva will orgasm during sexual play, and can also be a nice sensation for a person with a penis if they are involved. You can experiment with what level of vibration feels good, and taking turns holding the vibrator. For vibrator play, you’ll also want a good water-based lubricant. 

Sex shop workers know their vibrators and their lubricants, and if you’re willing to go in, they are almost always happy to share their expertise. Plus, in person you can feel the lube for yourself. Do not rely on a lube like KY Jelly, which gets sticky very quickly. If you are more shy about asking, go online and read reviews of lubes and vibrators and choose one that sounds good to you. Most major online retailers have a good array of vibrators.

Next step: butt plugs. But that’s a discussion for another day.