7 nice things to do for someone who’s grieving

I’m a big believer in thoughtful gift-giving. Now, we all interpret “thoughtful” differently. Some believe thoughtful means handcrafting a gift. I don’t craft; one glitter-glue-hair-eyelash situation in 2003 has left me completely nonplussed with the sport of crafting. Some believe it’s simply the anti-gift card rule. Have you ever met a teenager? Get them a gift card. They don’t want your “thoughtful” crap, Karen. 

My grandmother taught me that thoughtful gift giving is the intersection of personal and practical. Can you imagine a more important time to be thoughtful than after losing a loved one? We’ve put together a guide, Gentle Reader, for ideas on what to give when someone is facing their hardest days. 

But before we dive in, I pledge staunch allegiance to the No Flower Brigade. Aside from the sheer volume of foliage headed their way by everyone else, it’s just a horrible symbol. Someone you love has died. Here’s something else that will die roughly 10 days from now. Even if it’s a plant, it’s just another chore you’ve added to their list of things to take care of. So, instead, we suggest: 

Covered Dish

This is a classic for a reason. When you’ve lost someone, the last thing in the world you care about is feeding everyone. Try to be creative, though. If Steel Magnolias taught us anything, it’s that you take a dish that “freezes beautifully.” Depending on the loss, they might have a lot of food coming at them initially. Take something that they can freeze for later. Or if they have small children, send some healthy snacks they can grab and go.

Tip: if you aren’t certain of their dietary restrictions, skip this one. Food is intimate — do not send over your famous lasagna if you don’t know them well enough. Someone could have a gluten or lactose intolerance or not eat meat or hate mushrooms. Do not assume if you don’t know. It’s unkind to offload your brownies when they can’t eat them.

Lunch & Housekeeper

This is my personal favorite, and I have gifted it no fewer than five times. I’ve tried a few different approaches, but the best way is to call the grieving friend. Give them a week or so, but then call them. Invite them to lunch and shopping or golf or anything — come to the conversation prepared with three available dates and times. Then tell them that while we’re out, you’re sending over a housekeeper to do a “deep dive”. Frame in a way that never suggests their house isn’t clean by saying, “I want you to have fresh sheets, a clean oven, and bathtub so sparkly you’ll can sink in guilt-free with a good book.” It’s always well received when framed well.Tip: the woman who does this for me will even clean out expired food and condiments in the fridge and spice rack if you ask for it. It’s those little things that make you feel brand new again.

Babysitter

If children are involved and you are close enough to the family, offer to babysit for a night or even an afternoon. There’s often so much to do after a loss, and having little ones safely unloaded can make those tasks so much easier.

Comfort Basket

Popcorn, Girl Scout cookies, blanket, fuzzy socks, new pens (there are so many thank you notes to write), hand soap, facial tissue or a handkerchief, coffee or tea, new mug. I’m telling you, this will leave a mark. Stay away from the candles —  everyone’s nose is different.

Framed Photo

If you can scour social media or are close enough to the family, find a photo of them with the departed and have it nicely matted and framed. Photos of someone you love are a treasure! Having it beautifully framed can be such a gorgeous gesture.

Flag Shadow Box

This is only pertinent if you’ve lost a veteran, but when they are handed that beautiful flag, it deserves a proper home. You can buy a lovely shadow box designed to house these at any craft store. It brought my father to tears. In a good way.

Estate Assistance

If you can help organize an estate or yard sale, clean out a closet, review paperwork, babysit, move furniture… pitch in the elbow grease. It’s all so time-consuming and overwhelming. If you can offer the time, it will mean everything to that person.

Grieving is exhausting. You can do better by them than flowers (or fruit).