A model's life

Editor’s note: The author asked us to name this article “The Least Likely Model.” She’s wrong. She’s stunning. In fact, within days of meeting her, I told her that she’s a supermodel, and she shouldn’t let anyone ever tell her different. The eyebrows alone are worthy of a symphony. Read on, Gentle Reader, to your delight as she weaves you a tale of shapewear, knickers, and bras.

So, I have a new side gig. Hinting at this onomatopoetically… snip, pop, zwoosh zwoosh, mmmph, uggggggghhhhh, ahh… pop pop.

Pantyhose. Obviously.

This 200+ pound butterball has been invited to serve as a fit model for the world’s most prominent Atlanta-based shapewear company. Round of applause for the world’s most unlikely model finding a home with the most kickass apparel company. Not only does this company offer inclusive sizing – already a win – but the time and energy that is applied to conquering the best fit for all shapes and sizes is unexpected. 

So what’s it like?

Let’s start with the office itself; it’s beautiful. The whole place looks like a slightly-edgier Kate Spade store. Picture high ceilings, bold colors of greens and bright whites and pinks and oranges, lots of pattern mixing, feminine details, fashion coffee table books, marble floors, zebra staircase.

For those of us lucky enough to ascend the wide-set staircase, you find yourself in the worker bee section of the office. Sundrenched, you are immediately electrified by the energy of dozens of people collaborating in the open floorplan. Around the corner is a wall of butts. Yup, butts. Little – maybe four-inch-tall – butt molds in all different colors are set in an acrylic frame. Like the company itself, it’s odd and awesome. It’s so well done I now want a butt wall in my house. 

What’s the vibe?

I get paid an hourly rate to try stuff on to try on different products and offer my opinion. It’s a fashion-maven’s dream come true.

You’ve got to be totally comfortable strutting your stuff in a room full of relative strangers. And by stuff, I mean every roll, cellulite dimple, and stretch mark. You’re down to your knickers + test garment for these fittings. The engineers are right up in your business inspecting fabric transparency and seam allowance and rolling and puckering and pinching. You have to get to a place where you’re totally fine with a beautiful, funny, straight man popping the fabric on your thighs to straighten the seam in your pantyhose.

Sometimes they bring you in alone if they’re just testing things out in your size range, and sometimes you’re with a variety of other models, all different shapes and sizes. What I can’t stress enough is how incredibly lovely all of these people are. They never make you feel less than (or in my case, too much) for their product. It must be a tricky thing to do – you’re literally standing in your underwear being compared to the most adorable, tiny, Barbie model ever to have existed, and yet you are made to feel so integral to their business. I leave there feeling as good about myself as I did on my wedding day. And y’all, I felt HAWT on my wedding day.

How does it work?

I fall between two sizes, which they love, so I get to try on two of everything. You don’t know exhaustion until you’ve tried on six pairs of pantyhose rapid-fire. Pull ‘em up, yank ‘em higher, pop, snap, shimmy shimmy, check your seams, twirl, pictures, next pair!

The best part is the discussion. You hear them all chatter on while staring at your half-clad physique, talking about fabric weights and production timelines and cost-per-piece.

Occasionally, you’ll have at-home try-ons. These are generally newer pieces to the line, and they want you to test out over several hours in the course of your real life.

Sometimes you’re comparing or A/B testing two products made slightly differently. Perhaps the fabric is a bit thicker, or the garments have been assembled by different manufacturers or on different machines. This is the fascinating part to me. This is where you feel like a real insider. And these folks don’t let anything slide.

I tried on a pair of pantyhose that were SO BEAUTIFUL; I loved the design, the fit, the stretch, the control – perfect length, too. The engineer sat on the floor, 8 inches from my knee and said, “Well, this won’t do. The weave is too loose – they won’t hold up.” We continued trying no and testing that one design for three months until she was happy with that fabric. She’s been there 14 years for a reason.

I once thought I was a lunatic incapable of figuring out a pair of leggings during an at-home product trial. Turns out, a new manufacturer they were testing had sewed on the left leg in the wrong size. I looked like a peg-legged pirate.

Is it the real deal?

There’s a propensity in me to assume nothing is as good as it seems. Pessimistic perhaps, but I typically err on the side of skepticism and just assume any company with good PR is really a Fyre Festival behind the scenes. Not here. Here, they exceed any outside hype; it’s awesomer [sic] than you think. These employees have worked there for years, these products have been featured in every major publication on the planet, the creator was on Oprah.

Naturally, I did comply with an NDA, so I can’t say much more. If you get a chance to be a fit model, jump into both leg holes. Spanxyouverymuch.