How to kill a friendship that needs to die

Or, 6 signs you're in a toxic friendship.

Wine, ice cream, liquor… The older I get the more I understand quality over quantity. Life is too short to settle for anything but the best, and the same can be said for friendships. We all need friends, especially those close friends who just get us. We need a group of women in our lives to build us up, support us, bounce ideas off of — and sometimes, bring us back to reality when we are being delusional. But there’s also a whole lot of bullshit we don’t need.

You know the friendships I’m talking about. After any time together you are left blurry-eyed and emotionally spent. They are like tornadoes that whip you around leaving you feeling broken, bruised and wishing you had paid closer attention to the forecast. Hmm, how did I miss the 100% chance of drama and tears this weekend!? Time to cut that stuff loose.

Here are 6 signs that you have a friendship that has outlasted its best by date: 

1. They take a lot more than they give. Maybe they show up unannounced, drink all your wine, and never offer to replace it. Maybe you are always lending an ear or a shoulder to cry on, but when you need them, they are nowhere to be found. You know the saying; you can’t pour from an empty cup (er, a wine bottle). If you feel drained, broke, or desperately needing to be replenished after time together, you may want to consider the relationship. 

2. They don’t respect your time. If you need to be somewhere at a certain time, you tell them to get there 3 hours early, hoping you can be there when you need to be. They text and say they’re on their way but are still nowhere to be seen two hours later. Any time I choose to spend with you is time I could be doing something else. Have a serious talk with your friend. If it doesn’t get better, cut ties. You can’t get that time back. 

3. They talk shit behind your back rather than to your face. If a friend has a problem with you, they should respect and care about you enough to address it with you directly. If there is a problem, you deserve the consideration and opportunity to make it better and have a direct conversation. 

4. When you need help, they are nowhere to be found. One of the simplest ways we can show we care is by giving others our time and attention when they are in need. This is sort of like point #1. There is nothing worse than knowing they don’t value your friendship as you value theirs. 

5. They’ve lost your trust. A friend is someone you should be able to tell your most embarrassing, personal and private thoughts with. I don’t want to have to censor myself with a friend because I’m worried about my information becoming a main topic of conversation somewhere else. Once that happens, and you find out about it, it can be hard to come back from.

6. They’ve lost your respect. This might not always be done intentionally, but it can have a real impact on your friendship. You are the company you keep. 

If this sounds all too familiar, I give you permission to stop hoarding these toxic gal pals and get back to living your best life. 

But what about the good times? 

Chances are, if you really were friends, then at some point you were on the same track, and there was a genuine connection there. It’s okay to be sentimental and mourn the relationship you had, but to everything, there is a season — and sometimes people grow apart. 

You owe it to yourself (and your friend) to talk it out and decide where to go from here. If you’ve grown apart, say so. If they are just an asshole, say that too. It’s better to be honest. See point #3. Don’t be that person. Unless the offense was truly rotten. Then you have our permission to just cut that person out cold turkey on rye. Whatever you decide, you will feel a lot better ridding yourself from the toxicity. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who suck.