Woman to Woman: two women interview each other about their biracial marriages
Marriage, the melding of two individuals, evolves into one joint adventure. This isn’t always a smooth transition, and there are so many mitigating factors. Sure, you love your spouse, but as a married woman, one of the big realizations is that not only do you get your new groom — you get his entire family, too. For some women, this isn’t a problem at all. Their new mothers-in-law adores them, and they’re taken in by his siblings as their new sister. Everyone lives happily ever after.
But for some, it isn’t always that simple.
The joint-family dynamic can become even more complicated when the marriage is between people of different races. Here, two women, Harriet and Antoinette, who married into white families share their story as they navigate the currents of a biracial marriage.
Before meeting your husband, did you date within your own race?
Harriet: Looking back, not really. My attraction to men has always been about their minds, souls, and hearts — less to do with race and more to do with who they are as a person and whether I feel a connection. But my partners have always been white men.
Antoinette: I have. It was just a matter of personalities matching and physical attraction. I didn’t specifically date someone based on their race. It really boiled down to… is he cute? Is he funny? Do we vibe? Great!
How did you meet your husband?
Harriet: After college, I was recruited to intern at Disney World. I came over on a work permit for what would’ve been 12 months of on-the-job training as a Cultural Representative for South Africa and Namibia at Disney’s Animal Kingdom Lodge. When I was visiting my sister in Georgia, I met the cute manager-in-training/bartender and struck up a conversation.
Antoinette: We actually met the last week of my husband’s senior year when I was a junior in high school. We began dating a few weeks later and have been together ever since!
Antoinette and her beautiful family
Do you find that people stare at you and your husband when you are out and about?
Harriet: Yes, sometimes. Most of the time people can’t reconcile my daughter and me, and I can see the dials in their brains working as they try to figure out what the connection is. And then the “Aha!” moment when they realize I’m her mom.
That’s when I become aware that I’m under scrutiny and am reminded that I’m in an interracial relationship. Interracial relationships are part of my entire family and make up my heritage — it’s not foreign to me, and I don’t see it as a novelty nor should it be a taboo topic. I don’t realize that I’m in an interracial relationship until it’s pointed out to me deliberately. Only then do I feel different because I’m made to feel different.
Antoinette: Yes. We used to notice it a lot when we first started dating back when we were teenagers in the early 2000s. Now, 16 years later, we notice the looks here and there. I’m not sure if the staring is happening less, or if we're just so immune to it now. I will say that it is strange when we do notice the stare because it’s obvious and unabashed. Like we are some sort of specimen that they have never seen before or, worse, are unacceptable. We also find the staring can be innocuous when, eventually, the person comes up to compliment our son, which is a pleasant experience.
When did you meet your husband’s family? How were you received?
Harriet: On a visit to Georgia for my birthday, months later I looked him up. I met his mom during that trip. She was bashful because she was in her pajamas, and his dad was nice, but quiet. I gradually met his siblings over time as visits became more frequent.
I was well received. Everyone was very welcoming and still is. I’m very lucky in the sense that I am very loved amongst all his family members. There was the fear from some within his circle that since I’m from South Africa I was marrying him for a green card, or speculation that it must be a shotgun wedding — but we were clearly crazy about each other. I think our relationship eradicated those fears for them in time.
Antoinette: I met a couple of my husband’s family members about six-to-eight months into dating. When my husband showed them my yearbook picture prior to meeting me, they asked if he was dating a Black girl because he likes rap music.
The first in-person meeting went well, but it was awkward for me. They expressed how impressed they were with me: How “well spoken” I was, how “smart” I was to be in advanced placement classes, and surprised they were to find I played golf competitively from a young age.
Affirmative action was brought up at one point when discussing what universities I planned on applying to — and the probability of getting accepted not based on my accomplishments, but simply because I’m Black. I did not feel comfortable. I felt as though they were so impressed that I wasn’t the stereotype they were expecting to walk through their door. I remember going home feeling very confused and dejected as I recounted the meeting to my father.
“They can like me or dislike me. It’s all the same to me. But what I require is respect. If I am shown respect, we can proceed amicably. ”
Who did you gravitate toward first within the family?
Harriet: I started out being really close to my sister-in-law and then as time went on, we drifted apart as the phases of our lives no longer ran in parallel — although no love is lost there. I do feel as though I have a friend in her despite not having regular contact.
At one point my mother-in-law and I became close, but over the years we started to butt heads as her opinions of my family started to border on judgment. I started to feel as though she wasn’t a safe place for me when I went to her for advice and she told me to pray harder. I felt dismissed and unheard, and just decided I was better off keeping everyone at arms’ length. I have built a very tall wall. Within those walls, my feelings are safe.
I asked my mother-in-law once what she thought of me when we first met. She responded with a vague, “I thought you were fine,” and then a story about her time growing up in Iowa where there was only one Black person in their entire school. And that it never occurred to her that a white person would marry anyone other than another white person.
I didn’t probe beyond that explanation… Instead, I sort of took from it that I wasn’t what she wanted for her son. We’ve been married for 13 years, and to this day, his family makes a point of reminding me that I’m an addition to their family by saying that they’re grateful to have me. At this point it feels like they’re trying to convince themselves of this by reiterating the sentiment. Or maybe they struggle to find words beyond that nicety?
Antoinette: When I first met my husband’s family, there were mixed responses. He has a very large blended family, so I met people at various times throughout our relationship. Overall, I was received well with the exception of just a few family members. Some of the initial interactions were troublesome, and left me with a not-so-great outlook.
I first really gravitated toward my husband’s sister, as she was someone I met in the beginning of our relationship. We became fast friends and spent time together outside of family activities. To this day, our relationship is very important to me, and she is an integral part of my life. She has always been open and welcoming to me from when we first met. I cherish our relationship and ability to be candid with one another.
“I can’t educate with every opportunity. I just don’t have that fight in me.”
How did the micro-aggressions develop? Do you feel the need to keep the peace in wanting to be accepted?
Harriet: I’ve shared my thoughts when micro-aggressions come up, and I’m able to address them. We’ve learned how to be better around each other. It’s taken some time and an increased awareness of their roles in perpetuating negative stereotypes.
I once asked my mother-in-law what she was doing to be part of the change in today’s racially charged climate, and her response was lacking. I challenged her to address her biases and stereotypes as they come up throughout the course of her day. It’s an ongoing process of self-evaluation and introspection. This requires them expressing the same level of interest in my story and culture as I do in theirs. This will begin to bridge the gaps. It requires equal effort in reciprocation!
Sometimes I keep the peace, sometimes I speak to the issue. I pick my battles, but become defensive when it comes to my family… my daughter. But their mindsets are bigger than me. I can’t educate with every opportunity. I just don’t have that fight in me. Partly because I’m non-confrontational by nature, and partly because sometimes a mom just wants to drink her margarita in peace, without draining the calm. Sometimes I just have to accept the fact that I won’t get an apology and be content with moving on, licking my wounds in private.
Antoinette: With the members of the family I have had issues with, I’ve taken the avoidance route. And in doing so, I haven’t corrected the micro-aggressions or other problematic behaviors as they occurred. My silence came through years of trying to correct it, being bold, speaking my truth, having debates — but, quite frankly, I got tired.
It’s exhausting when you have to do this all the time. And that exhaustion leads to resentment and avoidance. I began avoiding those who were problematic whenever possible. Even driving separately from my husband to joint functions so I would have the freedom to leave when I wanted to.
There’s definitely an internal battle. Is it worth it? Is this where I want to plant my flag? The conundrum doesn’t just arise from those questions, but the sincere desire that my husband and son have a fruitful relationship with their family. I don’t really have the “wanting to be accepted” issue. They can like me or dislike me. It’s all the same to me. But what I require is respect. If I am shown respect, we can proceed amicably.
Harriet and her beautiful family
Can you share some examples of micro-aggressions or racism that you’ve experienced with your in-laws? How did you address them? How did they affect you?
Antoinette: Uhhh… wow. There are several of them, unfortunately. Once, before my husband and I married, we were in the kitchen of his home. I don’t remember how the subject of our future children came up, but we started down that path. Almost at once, I was informed in a very stoic manner that our children will be classified as minorities and would then face all the hardships that are experienced by minorities.
I just remember being completely blindsided and flabbergasted. I’m certain I had a face like a deer in headlights. I remember my mind going blank for a beat. I was astonished at how ridiculous their proclamation was. I remember thinking that this was more of a veiled warning to my now husband about the consequences of procreating with a Black woman.
I remember counting to five and trying to channel my parents and how they would want me to respond. I simply stated that it did not matter who I had a child with, as I am a minority. I also went on to remind them that my parents and family are minorities and have lived prosperous lives despite the ignorance and prejudices that try to hold them back.
However, since that time, I have lost my energy to rebut the ridiculous. I simply just ignore it at this point. It is admittedly not the best strategy to effect change, but it is the best strategy to preserve my own wellbeing.
Harriet: My mother-in-law likes to talk about hair and hair products, and is always asking about it or showing my daughter the fears she has surrounding our curls — how kinky or, worse, how “nappy” it is.
She’s tried to get me to read books she has read about Botswana in an effort to relate — but I’m from South Africa. To add fuel to the fire, the author was a white man. An attempt to connect, I suppose, but reeking of ignorance nonetheless. I smile and nod because who wants to get into a long discussion about South Africa and Botswana being two separate countries when one can simply accept a book and move on?
Maybe it was a missed opportunity, but it was nice of her to think of me as she read the book about another African country. Naturally I am annoyed and frustrated by these remarks and ignorant gestures. But not to the point that I want nothing to do with them. They are family — and they mean well.
“We are learning together to navigate these new waters. It’s about learning about each other and drawing closer as we discover what sets us apart by trying to come together. ”
How has your partner defended you when it comes to comments or micro-aggressions? Is his defense selectively dependent upon the offender?
Harriet: My partner hasn’t really displayed much of the bravado I’ve needed from him in my presence. He may have without me, but not while I’m there to his family. He’s pretty selective. But gratefully, we’ve not been placed in many situations where it was required.
Antoinette: My husband has defended me. But, admittedly, it is not a universal defense. When it comes to his family, he does not. He tends to tune them out, ignore, and avoid them when these comments and micro-aggressions are made. However, through several discussions, he understands that this avoidance is problematic, not just for me, but for our son. We need to set the unified response example for our son to show him that no matter where the ignorance or offense comes from, it’s unacceptable.
Have your in-laws shown an interest in your heritage?
Harriet: Only recently did my sister-in-law ask about my experiences and want to know more about how I’ve perceived things here versus in my country. It seemed out of left field, but I appreciate that she was bold enough to want to bridge that gap and learn about me. She offered to be an ally and made herself available as a safe place. It means so much to have that familial support and protection. It feels like I am understood and heard. She admitted that she worries about saying the wrong thing. I get that. We are learning together to navigate these new waters. It’s about learning about each other and drawing closer as we discover what sets us apart by trying to come together.
Antoinette: Most certainly race has impacted my relationship with this specific set of family members. They are of the “I don’t see color” mindset, which is problematic in and of itself because it then shuts the door to any conversation regarding behaviors that are a direct result of my race and heritage.
With my other in-laws who I don’t have issues with, there has been interest in my heritage. They want to know about my family’s history in Haiti and Jamaica. They also share their heritage and stories of their family with me. In fact, my son is a member of the Sons of the Revolution since one of my husband’s ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War. It’s an even trade of interests and information.
What’s changed since you had a child?
Harriet: Personally, I look at all the flack Megan Markle and Prince Harry are getting for their interracial relationship, being critiqued all the way down to the innocent baby. My perspective hasn’t changed other than having become a mother bear when it comes to protecting my daughter, and in how I raise her to love everyone without bias and without judgment. To remember and embrace both sides of her, and to be proud that she has the best of both worlds.
When I was growing up in Namibia and then South Africa, I was brown — Cape Malay or Cape Colored (which is not a derogatory term in South Africa). So, I wasn’t black or white enough to belong anywhere. I often felt confused about my place. I don’t want that for her. In essence my upbringing, coming from an affluent family, being biracial, prepared me to raise her and know how to address her future struggles as they come.
Antoinette: My perspective has changed a bit since having my son. My family has been highly blended with various races and ethnicities throughout the years. However, having my son being biracial in America has opened my eyes. How am I going to provide a solid foundation through teaching for my son so that he loves all of himself? Has pride in all of his heritage?
Having my son has also altered my perspective on how I need to handle micro-aggressions and racism when they occur within the family. I can no longer sit back and ignore or avoid those instances, as my son will be affected by them as well. I want to set an example that you can confront racism and micro-aggressions with respect and calm. That you can express your point in an almost academic manner, and end the conversation by saying, “you do not have to agree with me, but in my presence, I require respect.”
“I think she’s lucky to have the best of both worlds, and I’m hopeful for positive change so that her adulthood and her kids can see the fruits of today’s laborious cries for unity. ”
Do you worry for your children given this current Black Lives Matter climate? What are your fears for them?
Harriet: We went on vacation last week, and my mother-in-law pointed out how tan my daughter had gotten. She’s blonde with blue eyes and seven years old. My daughter said she didn’t want to be “brown.” My mother-in-law explained to her that becoming brown is part of being tan when you’ve spent lots of time in the sun.
My daughter asked me about it later that night. She wondered if it had anything to do with a recent Black Lives Matter protest she’d witnessed. I had to explain that God made everyone different but loves us all, and that they are marching to make sure that everyone is treated and loved the same despite looking different.
When I asked my daughter what she meant, she said she just didn’t think brown would look good on her. Although it saddened me, I understood that it was a preference and that white skin is all she knows. I can’t put that on her to want to be like me, or want her to embrace being biracial because at this stage, she doesn’t understand the gravity of all of it. I just kissed her goodnight, and told her that God made us all and that we’re all precious no matter what color our skin is.
I don’t worry about it for her. I think she’s lucky to have the best of both worlds, and I’m hopeful for positive change so that her adulthood and her kids can see the fruits of today’s laborious cries for unity.
Antoinette: I’m not concerned about my husband during the Black Lives Matter movement. My husband is a proven ally to the cause and has been from the day I met him. I do have concerns and fears about my son as he grows older.
My main fear for my child growing up as a biracial boy in this world is that he won’t have a firm sense of self. His experience growing up will be so different than what his dad or I experienced. He may have people telling him he isn’t Black enough or he isn’t white enough. If he doesn’t have a solid foundation on who he is, pride in his heritage from both his father and mother, I fear he may lose his way. Cave into what society determines him to be. Not him making the conscious decision to say, “This is me, and you will not dictate who I am.”
Some of my in-laws may argue that if we taught everyone to be color blind then everything would be fine. The problem is that the world is not color blind, and the ones who say these things do not practice this “color-blindness.”
I have concerns that family members will say something completely inappropriate and ignorant to my son. And no matter how much I talk to him after, he would always have a memory of something someone who is supposed to love him said that inevitably caused him harm and hurt. I want my son to know who he is, his heritage, and recognize that we all have differences and should be loved for them.
I have the same fears many Black mothers have in this country. I want my son to be able to do everything children and teenagers do without the fear that he may not come home because of an encounter with someone whether they are a person of authority or not.
“How am I going to provide a solid foundation for my son so that he loves all of himself? Has pride in all of his heritage?”
First and foremost, we are united by love. It’s what binds us together, and it’s what we teach our children to embody and embrace. To those who play a role in our stories, if they don’t want to grow alongside us, that’s ok but not ideal. We can only love them from afar, wish them well, and set them free. It’s their journey not ours. But we hope they do come around to the idea of growing into love with us. — Harriet & Antoinette
Antoinette Duverneau-Dicken
Antoinette is a first-generation American born to a Jamaican mother and Haitian father. She is a Registered Nurse and earned her Bachelor's degrees in Biochemistry and Nursing from Kennesaw State University. She lives in Atlanta with her husband (and high school sweetheart) Ross and their two-year-old son. A proud nerd, Antoinette regularly quotes Tolkien and regales her friends and family with random World War II facts.
Harriet Williams
Harriet is an expatriate from Cape Town, South Africa via her birthplace Windhoek, Namibia. She has an affinity for languages and has it bucketlisted to complete all the movements of Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique once her husband gets the hint and buys her a piano for their 13th wedding anniversary this year. Harriet enjoys singing with her indie electronica band, doing Pilates, and aspires to set foot on all seven continents before age 50 — while never actually growing old.