Why we need to build a family of friends

Being seven months pregnant has gotten me thinking about a lot of things: Will I be a good mom? How will this baby impact my life? Am I qualified to keep a tiny human alive? How will this baby fit into my family? And how I am going to raise a baby being so far away from my support system of family and friends?

I never realized how much seeing my family meant to me until I moved away and couldn’t see them regularly. This realization is sinking in now as I am about to enter into a very different new phase of life. Though what’s hitting even harder now is just how much I miss my family of friends. 

When I see groups of friends getting together in my neighborhood, the loneliness stabs, and I truly feel how far away I am. These are the times when I start to miss my old circle more than anything. 

It’s not that we don’t talk. There have been many FaceTime sessions, virtual happy hours, and Drag Bingo events, but it can’t replace being face to face. You would think that missing friends wouldn’t hurt as much because you can always make new ones —  to add, not replace — but, sometimes it’s not so easy.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

It’s exceptionally tough for us to make a close cluster of friends in new places as we grow older. I know plenty of people who don’t have strong friend bases outside of the friends they knew growing up or those they met through work. 

But why? 

For starters, now that we are older, our schedules are busier making it more difficult to even find time to connect with new people. During COVID-19, many of us are staying at home right now, and no longer feel the need to bow to social pressures of meeting up or going out. [Editor’s note: Introverts: high five!] 

At this point in our lives, many of us have outlived (most of) our FOMO — and have the scars and stories to show for it. Maybe we just don’t feel the need to be at everything every weekend whether that means missing out on meeting a new friend or not. 

Or maybe it’s that we are at different places in our lives now. Our focus has changed, and the call to be social outside our current circle has just diminished. Adding new people means revealing a lot about yourself to someone who may or may not be interested in getting to know you better. You have to tell all your stories (and secrets) again and explain some of those scars you’ve earned. It’s a lot like dating. And that’s not the easiest thing, let’s be honest. 

“The difference between now and how we made friends growing up is that today, we have to actively choose to participate in things as adults.”

When we were kids, it was easier 

The difference between now and how we made friends growing up is that today, we have to actively choose to participate in things as adults. As children, we were automatically put into social situations where we’d make friends through school, neighborhoods, or extracurricular activities. Choosing to engage as an adult means adjusting your comfortable routine to participate in something that you’re not even sure will be any fun. Plus, many of the most common social activities have a price tag attached: drinks, dinner, movies, museums. And if your cash flow is a little clogged, this can feel like a needless expense.

But what I think part of it comes down to is this: actively putting ourselves out there is hard, and it leaves a lot of space for disappointment and even hurt. And that sounds like something we might not want to sign up for. Since adults often have the freedom to opt out of socializing when we feel awkward in situations, it means we can and do. Once you’re out of practice or out of your comfort zone, pushing yourself to open up can be much more difficult. 

How to make new friends as an adult 

If you want to though, there are some ways to build community and friendships for adults. Joining a workout class, taking a workshop, and social sporting groups all are meant to ease those efforts — when you have a shared activity, it can be easier to strike up a conversation. There are virtual book clubs and movie hangouts being created all the time on platforms like Goodreads and Netflix. 

And there are entire meetups based on making friends in new places, organized dinners with strangers, and even the dating app Bumble has a feature where you can meet your new BFF. 

Friends vs. family 

If you already have a family that you know is there for you, then why is creating a family of friends so important? According to the Mayo Clinic, the answer is simple. “Friendships enrich your life and improve your health.” 

In short, friendships fill a need that family simply does not. 

Think about your own life. How many thoughts and feelings are you fully comfortable disclosing to your friends, but you wouldn’t dare to tell your family? And think about the experiences you have had with your friends: How many of those would you be comfortable having with your family members? 

I thought so.

For women, building strong bonds with women outside of our families is particularly crucial. There’s actually a scientific reason as to why we need to be friends with other women. Healthline explains that these relationships increase serotonin and oxytocin (the happy brain chemicals) levels within our brains and, as we age, the desire for these bonds grows stronger because they make us feel nurtured and validated. 

So, never question why you need your girl group.

No matter how you look at it, friendships are undeniably essential. For many of us, our current friends are closer to us than members of our family, and it’s vital to keep them close while also taking the time (and making an effort) to build fresh friendships. And although these new relationships don’t always come easily, taking time to grow and needing attention and nurturing along the way, they’re absolutely worth it in the end.