The enemy of friendship?

My best friend and I long ago established one very simple rule for our friendship. Wait… What kind of friendship is based on rules and restrictions, you ask? The best ones. Because, to steal an often misunderstood sentiment from Robert Frost, in this case: good boundaries do make good friendships.

But for us, only one rule was really required:

Know the difference between honesty and kindness.

“I expect her to tell me when I have lipstick on my forehead or spinach in my teeth. I expect her to tell me that my hips shouldn’t be seen in public in those pants or that I was a little rude to that guy with the gold teeth flirting with me on the cruise ship.”

You must understand — my best friend and I have both endured far too much relationship turmoil in our lives to let this bull out of the gate without a harness.

We operate on magical, personalized plane of sarcasm, inside jokes, and our mutual, diehard devotion to The Golden Girls. We call each other’s bull and support each other when brave is the only way to be. We are also far too sassy for our own good, and that “impudent liveliness” sometimes gets us both into trouble. With each other.

We aim for honesty; being clever, funny or what’s often called real. But, sarcasm dressed up as funny can miss to the tune of bring harsh or bitter — or even hurtful. Honesty can be delivered gently or brutally. Kindness with candor is love.

When it comes to each other, my bestie and I can cross the line from funny to accidentally unkind quickly. When you know someone as well as we do, you can easily and inadvertently dig through your hat of tricks and pull out one of their insecurities or embarrassments, and make it part of the joke. And, depending on the mood, this can hit home as really funny or really not.

Worse than that, you can weaponize her insecurities. Pull them out when you need/want to add in a little zinger when asked to be brutally honest. “Well, at least we know Brian likes a fat-bottomed girls.” But unkind and thoughtless honesty is just brutal — unnecessarily so. Setting your friendship fences with kindness and respect will protect you both.

Do I hope she is always honest with me? 

No. Nope. Hell nah.

I do expect her to tell me when I have lipstick on my forehead or spinach in my teeth. I expect her to tell me that my hips shouldn’t be seen in public in those pants or that I was a little rude to that guy with the gold teeth flirting with me on the cruise ship. 

I hope she never tells me the truth about my chub. I hope she is never honest with me about my family. I hope she’s never too frank with me that we’re not prioritizing our friendship or especially that I’m not making enough time for her.

Not every moment of my life needs to be filled with the truth. I’m surrounded by journalists, clergy, and mothers, so I’ve got honest feedback in spades and lycra. I need something different when i’m with my best friend: Kindness, delivered with a healthy dose of understanding and respect.

You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells with your bestie. And she shouldn’t need to worry about her bare feet around you. From her, I need a judgement-free zone; a zone with no makeup but a few ungenerous opinions of others with plenty of raw cookie dough and lots of “you totally need those shoes” support.

She needs the very best I can give to her. And best, when it comes to friendship, varies for everyone. But it’s important to remember that all people have bad moments and bad days — we all have jealousies, and fears, and ugly moments. We lash out at those we love or retreat from those who love us for one reason or another.

True friends forgive, but establishing thoughtful boundaries that you both respect means that there can be fewer moments where it’s required.

Should friendships have rules? Do you have any rules in your relationships, even tacitly?