Accidentally earning my way out of my dream job

My husband and I have been talking about starting to try for a baby for years.  But the cost of childcare, medical care, diapers, food, and a larger apartment just didn’t mesh with our current salaries. Childcare alone would roughly cost the same as my monthly take-home pay, and we’d already struggled to live on one salary. 

So, when I learned I was up for a promotion, I was elated. When I learned it came with a 30% pay increase, I was crushed. If I accepted, I would now out-earn my partner by about 40%. 

Being the bread-winner normally wouldn’t be an issue. We’re a feminist household — and a true fifty-fifty partnership. We share everything including household chores, money, and feline parenting responsibilities. The issue is that the pay increase that now made growing our family a real possibility also meant it was no longer feasible for me to choose to stay home with our future children. 

I am lucky to work for a company that offers pretty decent parental leave: twelve weeks fully paid after giving birth. But what if twelve weeks doesn’t feel like enough? What if once I finally hold that tiny creature in my arms, I decide to trade my eight-hour days in the office for endless naps, feedings, and diaper changes? What if at the end of twelve weeks, the thought of handing my itty-bitty infant over to a daycare worker is too terrifying to bear? We could only afford to have a baby in the first place if I accepted the raise.  So, choosing to leave that job after the baby arrived? No longer an option. 

I realize this is a champagne problem. Complaining about making too much money? Who the hell do I think I am?! 

Turns out I’m not alone

Nearly a million millennial women have babies every year. And a 2014 Pew Research Study found that while 71% of moms work outside the home, 29% are staying home with the kids — up 6% from 1999. A desire for family flexibility remains the top reason why 90% of moms decide to stay at home. Perhaps that has something to do with the sad truth that the US is one of only three countries that has no paid parental leave law (Papua New Guinea and Oman are the other two).

According to USA Today, roughly 50% of women in the workforce earn more than their husbands. A big change from 1960 when less than 4% of women earned more than their spouses. In 60 years, we’ve come so far, but women are still worrying about how to make the choices we want in life.

Sure, my husband could stay home with our kids. It works beautifully for some couples. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom, and part of that was imagining myself staying home for at least a few years. I’d be a stay-at-home cat mother right now if I could!

Why Being home is important to me

My own mother stayed home until I started kindergarten and I have such fond memories of that time with her. Besides, I’ve never been the super career-oriented go-getter anyway. I certainly didn’t intend to wait until my late 30s to start a family. I wasn’t exactly prioritizing my career and most of my waiting felt like a necessity, rather than choice. Waiting to meet a partner, waiting to have more than two dimes to rub together, waiting to live in an apartment bigger than a sardine can. 

All I want is a baby and the irony is that I must now choose my career in order to have one. 

Who knows? I may not even want to stay home. After twelve weeks full of explosive diapers and sleepless nights, I might be counting down the hours until I return to the blissful annoyance of meetings that could have been an email. But I want it to be my choice, not one made for me by circumstance.