Let’s talk about the 5 love languages

Despite its association with cutesy cards and over-reliance on heart-shaped chocolate, Valentine’s Day always has me ruminating on relationships and how we connect with each other. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...” pondered poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning. According to author Gary Chapman, there are exactly five... love languages, that is. 

In other words, there are five different ways that people may perceive affection from others and, in turn, express affection. 

Let’s do a quick breakdown:

Words of Affirmation

When your love language is comprised of words of affirmation, conversation is literally what makes you feel loved. You like to hear from your partner that they love you. You communicate your own feelings about them through words as well, perhaps with a heartfelt “thank you” for a household task or a compliment about a well-cooked meal or fashion choice. This particular mode of communication is perhaps the most taken for granted, as many believe just hearing the words is enough. But what if it’s not? What if you prefer to just get those dishes done? If Perhaps your love language is...

Acts of Service

Nothing makes you feel more warm and fuzzy than when your sweetheart does something special for you. Now, “special” can mean anything from a dramatic gesture like whisking you out for a night on the town or cooking you a delicious meal after you’ve had a rough day. Do I hear a suggestion for a foot rub? Yes, please. For you, actions speak louder than words. Of course, some people desire a specific action, which is...

Receiving and Giving Gifts

Holidays and celebrations were made for people who love and feel loved when they are given gifts. This is one language that some may consider shallow or write off as being consumerist, but there’s more to it than that. A treasure given by a loved one represents a tactile representation of that love — and there’s something to be said of being able to hold a bouquet of flowers or the perfect journal in one’s hands. Whatever the gift, it is the thought that counts, and knowing your loved one holds your presence in their mind is touching. And speaking of touch...

Physical Touch

Some people crave a hug or a kiss from their beloved — far more than any gifts or words. This love language can seem the most obvious expression of love because touch communicates affection quite literally. But physical touch is also chemical since it releases all sorts of happy hormones for many of us. You desire your beloved to always be near, and you dream of spending time holding hands as if it were your first walk together. And a walk to remember is...

Quality Time

For some, it’s the time spent together that matters most. As you whirl through your busy schedules, your refuge is the moment you and your partner carve out solely for each other — a romantic rebellion against modern life. You cherish moments as they become memories, and to you, these precious moments are where love truly lives and breathes. 

When I first learned about the 5 Love Languages, their tidy categories made perfect sense. But the longer I pondered which language I myself spoke, nodding my head with increasing enthusiasm with each way of speaking, the more I realized that I felt mostly multi-lingual. 

Honestly, if your beloved said, “I love you, happy anniversary.” Then hugged you, gave you a bauble, and surprised you with a week in Paris — who wouldn’t love every part of it? 

Editor’s note:

The 5 Love Languages are largely designed for married, heterosexual couples. If you find yourself outside of a relationship that looks like this, you may still find yourselves in these pages of quizzes. If not, consider The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace to get some insight into how your team can best communicate and high-five one another (metaphorically or not) when success happens.

My own love language

I, for one, am a chatty Gifter. Not only do I feel all warm and fuzzy when my husband presents me with my favorite comfort food dish of spaghetti and meatballs (he is a great chef and a man of action, so this works out rather tastily for me), but I also equally love shopping for every holiday and declaring to my beloved “I have found you the PRECIOUS!” 

I’m fairly certain I inherited this love for shopping — in addition to Tagalog — from my mother, who never met a gift she couldn’t make say something sweet. My father, in turn, has an impressive collection of designer duds (as any fashionable senior should). 

Likewise, my son seems to have a natural predisposition towards presentation, for whenever he goes on a walk, he brings me home a flower that he has picked along the way and weaves an elaborate tale about choosing the bloom. Come to think of it, even our dog has the tongue for it. Every night she brings me her favorite toy, lays it at my feet, then yowls her affection, proving she too is a chatty gifter. We’ve gone interspecies!

But what should my husband — for whom actions speak louder than words (or gifts) — do in this house of presents screaming with love? With a love language that’s more focused on doing nice things rather than presenting them, helping him feel loved isn’t always easy. I am not a great cook. I cannot repay ridiculously delicious meatballs back in kind. I can barely turn a pancake, much less an omelet, over without the smoke alarms going off. So, in our house, I warm up the Italian loaf I purchased along with a nice bottle of chianti and present it with flair at dinner. For us, the key is to find ways to speak one another’s language of love and to complement rather than clash. Cheers to us! 

So, what’s your conversational style – the love edition? If you’d like to try it out, the quiz can be found here.