I used to sleep.
I used to sleep. I know I did — I was there. And, even though I was unconscious at the time, I remember that I used to sleep. But that was then, and this is now. Now, I stare at the clock or the TV or the scrolling Instagram images instead of the inside of my eyeballs.
For the last few months, something like less than five hours sleep each night has been my reality. I sometimes take forever to fall asleep, I cannot stay asleep, and I wake up with the first glimmer of light of the dawn. That last part has always been true, but when you cannot fall asleep until 12:30 am, you’re awake again at 4:42 am… well, 6:00 am comes very, very early.
Because I sleep alone sometimes, I don’t constantly have the added torture of watching someone else sleeping next to me or really trying to help me get to sleep. Nice, but not helpful. Because, let’s be clear, not sleeping is really awful. It can make me a zombie at work, but mostly I’m just not sleepy: ever. I don’t fall asleep sitting up on my sofa (that was a year ago) or when I go to dull movies (that was ten years ago), or any of that. I’m just awake.
So, for the last 30 days or so I have been taking note of my symptoms and my efforts to make myself just go the f*ck to sleep. Here’s the story of my journey.
About me
I am a 40-something woman in the first throes of perimenopause. While I do not have all of the joys of “the change” — yet — I do have Sudden Moments of Unexpected Warmth. I am not calling them hot flashes mostly because It doesn’t feel like that. I feel warm starting with my neck and face, then throughout my body, coupled with a flush. It’s like a full-body blush. It’s about as much fun as it sounds like. I do get these a night, so they do wake me up.
I think.
I dunno.
I wake up warm.
As an aging woman, I also have a weakening pelvic floor. Thanks, gravity and time and forgetting to do my kegels ever. This little bonus prize to the aging process means I also have to get up to pee at least once per night. At least. Thank goodness Alexa now has “nightlight” as a command so I can do this without breaking a toe on the doorjamb.
I also have some gut issues that have interrupted my sleep as the acid just churns and burns up my throat. That is also about as much fun as a red hot poker, and the reason I sound like Lauren Bacall or Barbara Stanwyck every morning. Since I’m up in the middle of the night, I’m also catching up on my classic movies.
If they needed a way to torture someone, this would be it.
Create a burning volcano in their gullet, make them never sleep, and have to pee all the time in the dark. So, as my sister says, I’m a mess. Meh. It’s nothing unusual.
In fact, after talking to a lot of women, I’m pretty sure I’m part of the norm rather than the outliers on this one. And we simply don’t do a good enough job talking to one another about all of this stuff. But that’s for another day and another story.
So I begin to experiment on myself
Here’s everything I’ve tried over the last 60 days to find my way back to more than five hours of sleep each night:
Please note that I already take medication that supposedly helps me sleep. It isn’t working — just making me groggy and forgetful. Other meds aren’t good for interactions with that, so I have not used melatonin or valerian without talking to my doctor. Also, I have asthma so smoking um… anything makes me wary.
no caffeine after 3:00 pm
no caffeine after 12:00 noon
no caffeine at all
green tea only
showering at night
CBD lotion
lavender balm
lavender aromatherapy with a diffuser
no food after 6:00 pm
new sheets
new pillows
new fan
colder room
taking my nighttime meds early
taking my nighttime meds late
not taking my nighttime meds at all
no liquids after 8:00 pm
more fluids
white noise machine
no computer after 9:00 pm
adjusting my bedtime up
no screens after 6:00 pm (failed hard)
no light in the bedroom
only soothing TV
meditation early
mediation late
writing
not writing
taking a walk at lunch
not taking a walk at lunch
What do I want?
My goal is not a fix in a box, here. As I told my friend, what I want is to do nothing and have things just go back to how they were: eight hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. Sigh.
So far, that isn’t working.
I’m headed to the doctor to see what my options are from here. Is it low magnesium? Is it hormones? Is it acid reflux? Is it stress?
Is it a little from column A, a little from column B?
E. All of the Above.
I don’t know yet, but I’ll keep you posted, Gentle Reader, on this journey to find the Sandman and where he’s been hiding.
