I never thought I would clean up someone else’s sh*t.

Warning: This essay contains graphic information and may gross you out. Approach with caution.

Poop, pee, snot, spit-up, drool, throw-up — it’s all gross, right? Now, imagine it isn’t yours: it belongs to your child. And you have to handle it -- sometimes literally handle it. But we’ll get to that.

Before becoming a mom, I thought dealing with someone else’s bodily functions would be a huge deal. Now, it’s just a regular part of my day. 

“Before becoming a mom, I thought dealing with someone else’s bodily functions would be a huge deal. Now, it’s just a regular part of my day. ”

As a parent, you do what you need to for your children. You’d risk your life to save theirs, so wiping their behinds is not such a big deal. Mostly. 

So, let’s dig into this mess, shall we?

Dirty diapers

No one likes changing diapers, but you get used to it. My son hates having his changed and is very wiggly, so these are often a struggle in our house. A few diaper changes stand out to me as funny and gross at the same time including one that we refer to as “the poop of the century”.  

When my son was five weeks old, he was hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. He was given antibiotics at the hospital, which resulted in diarrhea for several weeks and a bad diaper rash. While still at the hospital, during a diaper change, he shot poop across the bassinet just moments after I’d moved out of the “splash zone.” 

I thought this was bad until what comes next. Now, it’s just noteworthy. 

At seven weeks old, something happened at home. I think this text conversation between my husband and I best explains it.

Me: I just had the biggest poop disaster of the century. Lol

Been dealing with it since you texted me. (An hour earlier)

It's all good. Got it cleaned up

But he needs a bath tonight!

My Husband: Oh my

Me: Let's just say my hand was the diaper and there was an explosion ×2

Hubby: Oh my

Me: Oh, and it all started because I didn't put the diaper on tightly enough and he peed all over my lap. Plus an open-air pee-pee at the changing table

Hubby: Yea. Does he seem to feel better?

Me:  Yea. He's sleeping now

No grunting

I'm doing poop laundry

Hubby:  Was it as bad as the hospital or worse?

Me: Oh, way worse

Hubby: Sorry. Love you. You win the super mommy award today!

The aftermath of that day is still a blur. Somehow I got both of us clean and everything…  else cleaned up and washed by myself. 

As a new mom, I would say I did deserve the supper mommy award that day. Thank goodness for all the blankets near the changing table to serve as a barrier between my son and the mess. I think I walked around half-naked during clean-up because at least half of my clothes were soiled. 

As any parent of a baby boy knows, they tend to pee on you during a diaper change. I used to scream when I got peed on. As my son got older, he thought to see his mommy scream was hilarious. It wasn’t so funny when I held his legs up to wipe his behind and he peed all over his face. No, he didn’t like that at all. 

Runny Noses

There is little more disgusting than toddlers and snot. You hate to see your baby sick or not feeling well, but the runny nose is something all parents could do without. You can’t catch them in time to wipe their nose. They end up wiping it with the back of their hand or worse their sleeve. IT’S JUST GROSS.  

Little ones don’t yet know how to blow their noses or to be mindful of spreading germs, so I try to keep my son away from other kids when he’s sick. Everything ends up in his mouth, then a toy gets dropped, the next kid picks it up and puts it in their mouth. The “ick” spreads. 

Is flu season over yet?

When I was a kid, my parents just had a suction bulb to clean snot out of my nose. Nowadays, we have an ingenious invention called the Nosefrida. It’s a nasal aspirator where you suck out a child’s snot with your mouth. 

Don’t worry — there is a filter so you don’t get anything in your mouth. (Editor’s note: thanks for clarifying… because shudder.)

My husband is a champion at using the Nosefrida. I don’t have as much luck with it. Seeing the snot being sucked out is pretty gross, and so is cleaning the device, but it’s the most effective way of clearing out a child’s nasal passages. 

I remember talking to other moms about picking our children’s noses. Sometimes you just have to do it. There is little more satisfying than successfully picking a booger out of your child’s nose. That, and finally picking out their belly Button “cheese.” I’ll leave that one to your imagination. 

Spit-up

I can’t write this without mentioning spit-up. Some babies do it all the time and some hardly ever. My son has always been known to spit-up. I think the worst was when he started solid food and his spit-up would turn the color of the food he was eating. He ruined a lot of clothes that way. I could never get some of the stains out. 

A decision you must make as a parent is whether or not to change your clothes if your baby spits-up on you. Sure, formula or breast milk spit-up smells. But, what’s way worse is when your baby starts on cow’s milk. That spit-up is disgusting. It smells sour, and you cannot just let that one go. Luckily, most babies stop spitting up by that point. Every so often, it still happens though.  

If you’re a parent, you know about all of this already, and I hope you’ll share your stories with us so we can commiserate and laugh together. If you’re not, I hope I didn’t gross you out too much.