I don't want your baby

This commercial from Hotels.com says it all.

I was 14 when I made the decision to never have children. Two hours of babysitting, and I was out. The best way I can describe it: the whole endeavor seemed entirely fruitless to me. (The irony of that sentence isn’t lost on me.) It seemed to me that children were takers, and that by having one, they would constantly take from me. I’m older and wiser now, so obviously, I now know how incredibly true that really is.

The anti-baby trend

Spoiler: blanket statements ahead.

There’s a trend happening — a movement, if you will — of Millennials running away from those tried and true social norms. They are marrying later (me!), if at all. They’re looking at career paths and deciding for themselves if a college degree is necessary. They’re waiting to have children or embrace a mortgage. They’re much more open about their struggles, successes, fears, and goals.

This isn’t news 

But it’s naïve to believe this generation invented childfree by choice. For centuries, women have harnessed all of their creative might to avoid pregnancy, and for the better part of six decades, pharmaceuticals have helped.

The Pill went on the market as a contraceptive in 1960, but it was still illegal for unmarried women in 26 states to obtain the oral contraceptive for a decade. (Married women in many states had to wait for a few years, too.)

As Conversational’s dear Editor said, “My mother’s generation was set free by the pill. They had new choices where their mothers did not. Less than fifteen years later, federal law made abortion a legal option. That’s an incredible evolution in a very short window of time. Finally, women had more control over their body.”  

That freedom changed forever the options women have when it comes to their bodies, their relationships, their career — their life! Short of all-out abstinence, contraception allowed a woman to determine how many children she might have, how often, or never at all.

Society and its many opinions

I’ve spoken openly about my decision for years, but because I was 33 when I – as my grandmother would say – finally got married, we were instantly hit from all sides with the age-old, “So when are y’all going to start trying?” and the classic, “How many do you want?”  

“Truth be told, I think we’re all a little too righteous in our desire to be outraged. I don’t seek to be stigmatized or easily offended; most people have good intentions. ”

The look on their face when I tell them, “Oh, we don’t want children...” They look absolutely saddened and horrified, as if I’d just killed a bunny right in front of them.

I come from a world of little old church ladies and more-is-more mentality, so I don’t suppose I’m triggered by these questions the same way a more worldly person might be. Truth be told, I think we’re all a little too righteous in our desire to be outraged. I don’t seek to be stigmatized or easily offended; most people have good intentions.  

That being said, I also believe we ask far too many inappropriate and prying questions. Because you never know the struggles someone truly faces — particularly as it pertains to their ability to conceive — I’ve always thought it best to give everyone a wide berth (fertility homonyms!) and let them volunteer any information about their children, or lack thereof.

Why would you choose not to

And for those curious, I can think of no fewer than five reasons one would choose not to have children:

Timing

"I never had a burning desire to have children," said Mullally, “But then I met Nick, and I thought This is the only person I’d do this with. So we tried, but I was a little long in the tooth for that sort of thing." - Megan Mullally

Relationship

"I was married to someone who was not cut-out to be a father. He could hardly take care of himself, let alone a child, so I changed my views, adapted accordingly, thought: It's okay not to have children.” – Dita von Teese

health

"I wanted couples to know that it was a valid choice not to get on this crazy merry-go-round of IVF and tens of thousands of dollars,” said Tyler. "It's okay to say, ‘I love my marriage, I love my life, I choose not to have children.” – Aisha Tyler

Career

“I would need more time to feel like I'd be a good mom. I feel like it would be unfair, not only to the child but to the people I work with." – Rachael Ray

Lack of interest

“You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So, it's just going to be me and Ellen and no babies.” – Portia de Rossi

So, in the name of highly-inappropriate questions: Did you want children, and it never happened?

Do you still want children? Are you happy you didn’t have them? Was it a choice or the way life worked out? Do you have children and love it? Or if you’re really brave, do you have them and wish you hadn’t?