Conversational talks with Kate Rope

Feeling the worry and stress more than ever right now, I did what I often do when I’m trying to get a handle on something: I turned to books.

And that’s when I found Kate Rope’s book Strong As A Mother: How to Stay Happy, Healthy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood. Her work resonates so profoundly with me because she has confronted her worry and anxiety, acknowledged that it was diminishing the joy of motherhood, and ultimately sought therapy to help her heal.

Inspired by her story, I chatted with Kate about how to manage anxiety and self-care during this period of uncertainty.

Jeanie: What struck me immediately with your book is that we as mothers feel lonely yet we are not alone in our loneliness. Did you have a strong family and friend support network? 

Kate: I had a strong support network. I definitely felt like I had a village. But I still ended up feeling up isolated, because when I started to struggle with my anxiety, I felt like my friends didn’t get it. It made me feel alone. The only person I felt was in it with me was my husband, and even then he didn’t understand it. 

Jeanie: How did you discover you had postpartum anxiety? 

Kate: I became so obsessive that I couldn’t get a break from my head. I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted a break from my brain. That’s where a lot of women don’t identify it. How uncomfortable is it making your life? Motherhood shouldn’t be completely overwhelming. 

A falling apart led me to get help, but after researching postpartum anxiety, the main way experts help you understand it is that all parents have worries about their babies – the reason you have these thoughts is your brain’s way of scanning the environment for threats. It means you’re hyper-vigilant over-protecting them. 

Jeanie: What’s that experience like for someone with anxiety?

Kate: For someone who has anxiety, it’s all about how you react to those normal thoughts. Does it make you change your behavior? Does it make you not want to go down the stairs with your baby? Whether you start altering your life is an indication of whether you might have an anxiety disorder. How much is it affecting your ability to enjoy your life? If it’s taking over so that it’s more worry than joy or more rage than calm or more sadness than uplift, that’s when you know you’ve veered into territory when you need more support. Getting therapy can get you back on track faster. 

Jeanie: How does this play a role in motherhood anxiety? 

Kate: At the height of anxiety, when I saw a therapist, I felt like I was solely responsible for the welfare of my child. I think that carried into the first couple of years in my kids’ lives. I feel like now my worries are more typical and I’m able to share them with my husband. And it feels much less one-sided. 

I learned how to take care of my anxiety, and my anxiety became more typical. I saw the right therapist and took the right medication. You also grow up as a mother as your kids grow up. They begin to seem a bit more independent from you, and it contributes to making the relationship feel less one-sided and more about guiding a person vs being omniscient about all the potential dangers. 

Jeanie: The emergence of COVID-19 has disrupted society on so many levels, and I think its effects on motherhood cannot be underestimated. Many mothers are in a sandwich stage in their lives, where we are taking care of not only our children but also our aging parents — often while holding down full-time jobs. Throw a novel coronavirus and school closings into the mix, and there’s potential for vast disruption to our mental health too. How are you coping? 

Kate: I have an arsenal of practices that I do for self-care, and even then I’m experiencing more anxiety than usual. I think it can be hard to introduce new practices in a new crisis – but I do think that at a bare minimum, we all need to be moving our bodies. I have to be physically active every day, and the kids need it too. I do my fitness boot camp online every day. 

Jeanie: Are there other things you are doing during this time?

Kate: I meditate every day every morning. Ten Percent Happier has courses that can teach you mindfulness-based meditation. Insight Timer is another good resource.

Jeanie: How can we continue to take care of ourselves and our families when some avenues, like in-person therapy, may become closed to us?

Kate: Take your therapist up on telehealth options that they have available. 

Sleep is the number one thing you can do to regulate emotions. Adults should get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. That’s the baseline best thing you can do. 

Breathing exercises are also helpful. It calms your nervous system. If it works for your family, close the door and FaceTime your friend or read a book or take a bath to reset.

I would be careful about alcohol. Alcohol can disrupt your sleep. Alcohol is also a depressant, but then you may wake up at 3:00 am or get up the next morning on edge. 

Be kind to yourself whenever you can. Wherever you can push back against expectation. 

My main message is that self-care is so important — whether it’s playing music, meditating, connecting with your kids — explore what makes you happy and calm in your life. It’s taken me years to do it, but now I can practice what I preach and feel like myself again.